BadEx

Yup, NiceEx is well, really nice...but to blog recently about him, I had to mention The Husband That I Didn't Really Know.

Just for my own therapy, and your bemusement here is what I wrote a long while ago when asked for an explanation of the situation and an answer as to why I have no contact with him. (The court had previously found this ridiculous).

In advance I would like to apologise for the grammar that follows as this is just what was drafted to send to the Solicitor...I think it pretty much says it all:


When I married BadEx, I had known him for nearly four months; it was the day after my nineteenth birthday.

BadEx is 10 years my senior and was/is a heavy drug user. Back then he used Cannabis, Amphetamine Sulphate, Cocaine, Ecstasy and on occasion, Heroin.

Once married, I found out that I was pregnant with my son C and this angered BadEx . He initially told people about the pregnancy as though he were pleased, but was very different behind closed doors, he was cold, angry and verbally abusive.

BadEx wanted to travel Europe in a camper van and had bought a VW in which to do so. We moved into the van, but after a few months of sleeping in the cold on family’s driveways and in public car parks, with no plans to see Europe,I wanted a proper home. I didn’t want my child brought into a world where his parents had no stability.

I arranged viewings of flats and houses which BadEx begrudgingly attended. When I found one that was suitable, my parents paid the deposit and we moved into a maisonette in Kent, near to BadEx’s sister and husband. We had no furniture as I had sold all of mine to "travel"so my parents gave us/bought us essentials.

BadEx claimed benefit. He worked for cash for a local Nightclub Owner and would terrify me with stories of Guns and the like. I could not work due to a pregnancy related condition called Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (it meant that toward the end of the pregnancy I could not actually walk).

BadEx did not allow me control of any of the money that came into the house. He spent what little money we had on drugs which he used in the house, ignoring me when I begged him not to. My only emotional support at that time was from my Sister in Law (who gave me food every day so that I would have at least eaten something) and my own family who lived over an hour away and had no way of knowing how bad the situation had become.

BadEx was verbally abusive. He hated my bump and often told me to “cover it up, it’s disgusting”. Several times a day he would call me fat and unattractive. He stayed up all night and slept all day and was irritated if he had to drive me to a hospital appointment or similar (I could not drive due to my medical condition). There was one incident where I was in the bath with the door locked. BadEx burst through the door anyway and then berated me for looking so disgusting, sat in the bath "so Huge and Naked like a beached fucking whale." - "well, it's not very fucking nice for me to have to look at it is it?" he said. I refused to cry infront of him as he used to laugh when I did, so I held it together long enough to hear his footsteps down the stairs, through the door and into the street below. Then I cried.

After six months, when BadEx was out of the house, I packed a bag and called my father in tears to ask him to pick me up. I was shaking. I was terrified. He took me back to our family home in Essex. My Brother in Law called me whilst I was there and told me that I had to come back – I was married and I was weak to give up so easily. I was emotionally drained and agreed to return if BadEx changed.

He didn’t.

Labour Day
My labour started late one evening, and I spent the night dealing with the pain whilst BadEx slept. The next morning I called my sister in law who stayed with me whilst I called my midwife. When they had both left, the pain got so bad that I couldn’t move. Only then did I dare to wake BadEx to drive me to the hospital (I had tried to wake him before but had made him angry). BadEx was less than pleased that he’d been woken and insisted on smoking a Joint before driving me to the nearby hospital.

Once at the hospital, BadEx was outwardly agreeable. It was a difficult labour and I hemorrhaged badly and nearly died. BadEx was shocked and tearful, but still nothing changed.

When I left hospital with the baby, I made a rule that no one was to smoke in the house. BadEx ignored me.

I got a post partem infection a few days after the birth and was bed ridden. My mother came to stay as BadEx wouldn’t look after me and ignored the baby’s cries. She supported me through the symptoms of my illness, such as rigors and helped me to continue breast feeding my son as well as cooking and cleaning for me, and eventually taking me to Mum and Dad's home to look after me properly. I told her that I wanted to move closer to "home" in Essex. She drove the baby and I to viewings (I was still ill) and I found a small one bedroom flat in Southend. A friend drove our belongings from Kent to Southend, and I arranged a deposit. BadEx followed and I spent New Year’s eve in his company. I knew I had to get away from him as he was still using LSD and Amphetamines.

I asked BadEx to leave. He did. A few days later I went to find him to finalise the financial situation. He was smoking cannabis at a friend’s house and was in bed with another woman.

I felt nothing.

He refused to believe that I really wanted to end our relationship and came to my flat screaming and shouting at me. He said that I “wasn’t the girl he’d married”, that I had “turned into my mother” and that “if he couldn’t have me then no one would” and he would “kill me and our baby son”. He then swung to punch me. I was holding Baby C (6-7 weeks old) at the time. I ducked out of the way and he punched the door, breaking the bones in his hand.

BadEx wrote a note apologising for the way that he had behaved whilst I was pregnant and for trying to punch me.

When C was four months old he contracted Meningitis. I called BadEx immediately. C was admitted to the local hospital. BadEx went back to my flat to wait for my call should there be any change in C’s condition. A few hours later, C was transferred to Great Ormand Street Hospital in London. I called and called the flat but no answer. In the end I called a friend who went round and banged on the door until BadEx answered. He had been passed out drunk on the bed when the friend found him.

Over the time that C was in intensive care, BadEx harangued, shouted, bullied and emotionally blackmailed me. He asked me to go back to him over and over. He blamed C’s condition on my “kicking him (BadEx) out”. When he realised that I was not going to change my mind, he became angry and violent. There was this horrible scene where he half-threw/pushed a table at me and accused me of having an affair. He was not stable enough to realise how ridiculous the accusation was. I was more interested in returning to the bedside of my Baby who lay fighting for his life.

As C and I returned to the local Hospital, BadEx was elsewhere within the hospital shouting at staff and causing a scene. He admitted to having drug and alcohol addictions to the Doctors there, but refused the help offered. A representative of the hospital came to me to ask if I would be willing to participate in counselling with my husband. I said no.

After
I lived alone and built my self confidence with the help of friends and family. One of my best friends, (NiceEx) and I started a relationship. He had been there for me during my pregnancy, after the birth and whilst C was very little.

BadEx would arrange times to see C and then not turn up. Some days he would turn up and spend his time in my garden smoking cannabis instead of spending time with the baby. He repeatedly tried to get me to change my mind and get back together with him. I refused.

I tried very hard to get him to take an interest in his son. He had none. When NiceEx, C and I moved away, I called BadEx regularly to ask him to come to see C. We offered him the spare room to stay in and to pay for his Train Fare, but he did not come. After a year I gave up asking.

BadEx has had each of our addresses and usually a mobile telephone number to contact C ever since and has shown little interest. The only time that I have spoken to BadEx about anything was a couple of years ago when I managed to trace a phone number for him and asked him for an address so that we could proceed with the divorce (the papers for which he had been ignoring when sent to his previous addresses). He said “only if I can see C”. I said no, but said that he could speak to C on the phone and that they could start a relationship from there.

BadEx spoke to him once.

BadEx hates authority and has many conspiracy theories about the government and the police.

He chooses to live “outside of society”.

He refuses to be named on his own Tenancy agreements (they are in his Girlfriends’ names), Council Tax bills, Register of Electors and collects his Girocheques in person when he “signs on” so that he does not have to provide an address.

I have written to the last address that I had for BadEx and the letter came back unknown addressee.

I have written to BadEx’s Sister at the last address I had for her.

I have contacted the Childs Support Agency for a current address for BadEx (he’s never paid them or I a penny anyway).

I have contacted Social Security Department for an address for BadEx

I checked the electoral role for Southend and Westcliff on Sea for his name

I have posted an advertisement in a local paper to locate BadEx.

UPDATE: I finally traced BadEx by purely private means. It cost me greatly both financially and emotionally, but was necessary for us to Emigrate. C was allowed to leave the country, but only after I “asked nicely”.