C is just like many other Eight year old boys, except for a few traits that are hard to pinpoint at first glance. C will meet you for the first time and you will likely be impressed by his articulate language and polite manner. C’s less appealing qualities are that he does not have reasonable behaviour boundaries; he finds it hard to relate to and be around other children and he does not distinguish between adult and child when addressing somebody; This proves to be a problem when it comes to authority figures. C is also astoundingly aggressive on occasion.
Ask any earnest wannabe psychologist and they will tell you that no child is aggressive without it being learned behaviour. They may also tell you that aggression coupled with the description of C above points toward ADD/ADHD/The Autistic Spectrum.
My son has neither learned Aggression from his primary role models, nor consistently displayed other symptoms relating to the behavioural disorders mentioned.
Some Background:
- All four of my children feel safe and cherished and have a very stable and calm home environment in which to grow.
- They are happy and carefree and largely compliant with the house rules which are based around respect for others.
- When asked what the most important thing in the world to them is, they will, without doubt, reply “my family” with great sincerity.
- They want for nothing materially, and are accustomed to a good quality of life; we are fortunate enough to be able to provide the children with advantages such as our own pool and weekly Tennis Lessons.
- Their manners are impeccable which is due to Our expectation of this.
- Himself (J senior!) and I are very consistent when it comes to discipline, are united and will not disagree with each other in front of the children.
- My children were breastfed and cuddled, nurtured and encouraged.
- My parenting style is that of supportive mother who has bed-shared, baby-worn and is a nutritional bore.
Furthermore, my patience and parenting skills are commented on frequently, so the question is:
Why has C so many behavioural issues?
C’s emotional barriers are likely to be that:
- He has never met his biological father.
- He has frequently moved home in his short life (due to work commitments)
- He frustrates easily over “inability” to work well at school.
C's behavioural traits, however, have been present a lot longer than if these were the primary triggers.
Aged four months, he contracted Meningitis and Meningococcal Septicaemia. The effects of this were devastating.
My four month old baby was generally unwell and very drowsy one day, so I called my Health Visitor. Being a new mum, and having recently read a list of the initial symptoms, I mentioned the word “meningitis” and she laughed. I took him straight to a GP who diagnosed a virus. I refused to leave and said that I wanted a second opinion. The doctor left the room and when he returned his face was serious and he told me that he had called an ambulance. By this time C lay awkwardly in my arms as his back was stiff as a board.
We were taken to the local hospital and eventually I watched my baby be “intubated” and put into another ambulance to take him to Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children in London. Such was the size of the team that had to travel with him to keep him alive, that there was no room for me in the ambulance, so I had to follow by car.
C was admitted to the Paediatric Intensive Care Unit. He looked like he was sleeping, except for the huge tube taped into his mouth (to breathe for him); the tiny one trailing up his nose(to feed his stomach); numerous needles going into each of his tiny wrists and ankles and the sticky monitor pads all over his chest and tummy, all of which were hooked up to a scary looking screen that kept bleeping, that I’d only ever seen before on film sets.
My baby was in a huge bed in London and all I could do was to wait to see if he would make it through each hour. I felt helpless. C had to fight this killer on his own. There were times when C’s condition would get worse and I was warned of the significance of this. He was dying.
After nearly two weeks of fighting, C’s sedation was reduced and finally he was able to breathe on his own. Slowly he came back to us. After so long with a tube in his throat his little cries were hoarse and weak and he had fluid on his lungs, but to hear him and to see him open his eyes after all of that time not knowing whether he would live or die, was magical.
After more than a week in a coma in the Paediatric Intensive Care Unit, and subsequent recovery days in London’s premier Children’s Hospital, C was discharged into my care. The difference in him was instantly noticeable, which I initially put down to the stress of the illness and spell in the ICU.
It is common knowledge that any stay for adult or child in Intensive Care is extremely stressful for patient and family and can lead to many behavioural problems, not least severe depression. I believe C’s repercussions to be further involved than this.
In the Meningitis Trust’s “After Meningitis” information it clearly states that:
“Meningitis in Newborn Babies is more likely to cause serious complications” and “Children and adults may experience anxiety and low self esteem and confidence, and behavioural problems such as aggression and mood swings” they go on to say that “Some of these after-effects also happen as a result of brain damage following septicaemia”.
“Learning Difficulties and Behavioural Problems seem to be quite common after meningitis, especially in Babies and Young Children. Fortunately some sort themselves out on their own. However, some are permanent.”
C was only a tiny baby when he lived through his ordeal. This means that I have never been in a position to fully assess which of his behaviours are personality traits and which are directly linked to his survival of the Meningitis.
It is true that both my “single” status at that time and C’s illness meant that I initially mismanaged his behaviour. Until he was around three years old, he was absolutely allowed to be clingy and demanding. He made many decisions jointly with me; obvious examples were when we moved home, I rejected any house he “didn’t like” and when Himself moved into our home, I asked C’s permission.
Whilst I forgive myself for clinging to the child I nearly lost, I harbour much guilt about how this earlier behaviour from myself may have impacted on C’s personality now.
All the love in the world cannot change how C deals with life.
I have finally come to accept that he is not "like" other children. Other eight year olds get annoyed with their parent's, their siblings, their classmates, but they have a degree of control over their young tempers. C is much like a car without a thermostat, he doesn't know that he has overheated until it is too late.
Whilst other children fall into some kind of middle ground, C has such extremes of personality, it is almost painful to watch. He is most definitely acute and intelligent, yet struggles with the simplest of words when it comes to spelling. He is the most polite child that I am unafraid to take into the very swankiest of restaurants (and have done); but any situation that could possibly frustrate him, will most likely ensue cringworthy outbursts.
Above all, C is my survivor. He is my serious, brooding little man who will certainly continue to be wonderful into adulthood. And I feel incredibly lucky to be able to witness that.
