Massive Red Bill

I recently got a massive red bill from the bank of friendship.

Friendships change.

As our lives move on and our interests alter:

From boys... to men;

From recreational drugs... to ones that will legitimately heal our ills;

From boyfriends with fast motorbikes... to our own little boys' monumental first ride in the park on a pushbike without stabilizers

From white cider whilst sprawled on a park bench... to red wine perched on a glossed park bench in a tapas restaurant...mmm the debatable "rustic" look.

You get what I am saying. My life is ever changing and evolving, which is great; but inevitably, some things get left by the wayside.

For me, these "things" are for the most part, friendships. I am just abysmal at keeping them going. Some of my friendships have been mutually outgrown; some I've neglected; some I've run from at pace. It's those that I have neglected that influence what I am writing today.

My friend died just a few weeks ago. I hadn't seen her for some time and her death didn't seem real to me for ages. When the inevitable "personalising" of the whole situation kicked in, I had difficulty in breathing whilst carrying the weight of my guilt about the things I should have said and the things I shouldn't have said.

The time I could have stopped for a drink, but I had to get back to the exciting task of finding my wayward drummer best friend who was at the time off his face in the middle of a festival before he went on stage...

...you see that was the last time I saw her.

I didn't go to the funeral.

This would make me a bad person apart from the enormous list of reason and excuses that I have listed in my head ever since, including having my four young chldren to care for who couldn't attend the funeral of someone that they didn't actually know (hell, I kept them away from their paternal grandfathers' funeral due to a distinct lack of contact for the preceeding year or so); the fact that one of the afore metioned brood is breastfed and I don't like the idea of a wet - nurse, I think it strange and wrong (...hmmn, perhaps subject matter for a future blog?) other entries on the list include a 300 mile journey each way and a dreaded fear of bumping into other not so nice cast member of my past.

I have rationalized my feelings for my friend and her early departure. She'd have kicked my arse for having not turned up to the funeral. So no excuses will do. Some how that makes it ok with me, our relationship has the same dynamic that it always had. Me feeling guilty about not expending time for her. Her knowing that I am just a rubbish friend.

So. Anyway. There are very few things that I believe in, but recent events have catapulted me into an Earl Hickey Karma-conscious type of existence. I am righting the wrongs ahead of time. No scrappy afterthought list for me. No, I made a point of NOT watching a movie in bed on my son's confiscated TV so that it did not blow up and set the house alight in a fit of Karmic rage; I sent an email to a friend I have been meaning to mail for a while instead of doing my washing up last night, because the washing up was still here this morning, but I couldn't garuntee 100% thast she would be (she's not ill, I 'm just being "careful"); I didn't lie to my two eldest sons' teachers when I took them out of school for a day trip, I told the truth that their birth father lives in Dubai and could only see them for one day in the UK, on his way to L.A or wherever he was jetting off to next...it was working I was sure.

I have been a shining example of all that is good, wholesome - ish and honest, loyal, environmentally sound, kind etc and my life has been peaceful and positive and really very enjoyable. But then, my six year old son ran into the road and was hit by a car*. So I am going to start taking two sugars in my tea again for starters, because being so wonderful, pius, clear concienced and serene didn't make him hold my hand by the road, but being shouty, scary mummy that won't tolerate messing around on the pavement does.

* He's fine